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“Who am I talking to and why am I telling them this?”

Writer's picture: Brette GoldsteinBrette Goldstein

The year was 2000. I was barely out of my mid-twenties – cocky and scrappy – and had been a casting director in New York City for barely a year. I had just (barely) started my foray into indie film casting. In my infinite wisdom, I thought that I had much to offer actors, and agreed to teach an on-camera audition technique workshop at a midtown studio that must have liked having me around enough to let me do this. 


My “day job” was working at an office on West 52nd St. and 8th Ave. that did the casting for a lot of fabulous theaters like Berkeley Rep and the McCarter. One evening as I hurriedly packed up, heading out the door to teach my first class, the casting director whose name was on said door said to me, “What kind of stuff are you going to teach these actors?”


My heart started pounding as I froze, put on the spot. She looked dead at me, her eyes narrowed, her smile wry….bemused. 


I replied, “Oh, you know, the usual stuff. I’m going to let them know if they are too big – too theatery and whatnot – for the camera. Like don’t move your eyebrows so much and whatnot.” 


There was a lot of saying “whatnot” and a lot of anxiety, if memory serves. 



She said, “All they need to think about are the answers to two questions. Who are they talking to and why are they telling them this? That’s it. Have a good class.”


I felt really vulnerable and ashamed at that moment, but I never forgot her words. They changed the way I taught that night, and coached from that day forward.


It’s all about being cognizant of objective and relationship. 


Whether you’re an actor, a presenter, on either side of a job interview, closing a sale, or simply in conversation, asking yourself “Who am I talking to and why am I telling them this?” can help you be present for and endeavor to understand who is currently present for you in this moment and how you can be of service to them, thereby co-creating a win-win. 


- How do you want to make your audience feel, even an audience of one? 


- Can you give them one less difficult choice to make by presenting a solution to their problem? 


- Can you address a pain point and give them a tool to make their life easier? 


- Can you build relationships, trust, and rapport by filling a need? 


It all starts with asking yourself “who am I talking to and why am I telling them this?” 


Make it all about them (not you) and you’ll find you have way more friends and fans… and also way less anxiety, nerves, negative self-talk, and “overall mishigas” (as my mother would say). You’ll be seeing more smiles, nods, bright eyes, and leaning in – and hearing the good kind of laughter – as you stay present for the “who you’re talking to” part… and they’ll thank you in response once they get “why you’re telling them this!”

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